The Faculty Member

The plane touched down in the city airport. It’s been six years since I left the city and the school. Those two years living in this city had transformed me from someone following family rules and wishes into someone with free spirits.

For the past six years I had been longing to come back. I considered it my second hometown. I took the car in the airport and drove to my friends’ home. I would stay with a couple that I was quite close to when I was here. I planned to visit the places and restaurants that I frequented. They were just ordinary places but they were part of my life, my memory. I was on my five-week vacation in the US between two jobs. It was a good time to do some reflection.

When I was here during those two years, I did not know I was gay. I went to the school gym and sauna quite often. Two doctoral students always debated in the sauna about methodology. They were naked walking around me, but I did not feel anything. Later on I “blamed” them that they failed to awaken me when I joked with friends. If I had known my sexuality, I possibly would have tried to stay in the States. We could never figure out what our life might become if we had chosen a different path. My career seemed to be progressing well but I was extremely lonely inside my heart. There was a certain part of me that I had been afraid of becoming too close to friends. I worried that they might know that I was gay. In the meantime, I did not dare to step into the local gay community. I was afraid that words might spread.

The city had changed a lot. I lost my direction many times when I drove around. I visited my ex room-mate. We had a nice chat in a small restaurant. His wife did not come along. Even though I was not aware of my sexuality when living with him, I did something unconsciously — I slept naked, letting the door open, and revealing part of my naked body on purpose. I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I did this quite a few times. There was a hint. I didn’t get it. The seeds were planted, but lack of proper watering. Later, I had come to realize that I was attracted to him, but the dominant thoughts prohibited me from discovering that.

Not many friends were still here. Most went back to Taiwan, and some moved to other states. A few days had passed. I had been to my favorite Vietnamese noodle restaurant, the gay area where I did not go before, and the stores where I used to buy groceries. Memories came across my mind and went. Years had passed by. Things, friends around me were different. I couldn’t image where I would be when I had just graduated six years ago. My goals were probably finding a good job once getting back to Taiwan, having sex before thirty, and perhaps getting married within a few years. 

I found myself being gay six months after I went back to Taiwan. Since then, I had been struggling with my sexual orientation for more than five years. I was not uncomfortable about being a gay. The problem was the fear to be known that might affect my career. Besides, there had been the marriage issue. I hadn’t be able to say “Mind your own business” to friends and family. The past six years had been a mix of sweet and sour. On one hand, it was good — a progressing career with a condo. On the other hand, I had been longing for emotional and sexual satisfaction. I failed a few times trying to form lasting relationships, including one with a local guy returning from Vancouver, Canada. In order not to touch the marriage/girlfriend issue, I started distancing myself from family and friends whenever possible. No wonder when I walked out of the San Francisco Airport terminal two weeks ago, I felt a sense of freedom. I stopped over San Francisco before coming here. I was there to meet with a friend I met in a hotel sauna in Taipei.

I was a very different person six years ago at the school from who I had become when revisiting it. I was hopeful about the future then, but I had become confused six years later. In the past few days, various thoughts appeared while I sat in the coffee shops and under the trees around those landmark buildings. I had come to realize what I should do in the future — no more blind dates. I couldn’t change my preference to men. A marriage would not be possible as I even couldn’t have sex with women. I tried a few times for the paying services and I ended up saying that I felt wrong as I had a girlfriend. Besides, I should not continue hurting those ladies by my cover-ups. I would live my life as a gay man although I had no clue where to find more men for my unfulfilled desire and how that would affect me socially and career-wise being an unmarried older man. A lonely journey, that’s what I am sure.

People tend to be bolder when they are not in their hometown. In a restaurant, after ordering my lunch, I noticed an older gentleman sitting alone in a table nearby. Without thinking, I greeted him when our eyes met and signalled to invite him to join me. He gracefully declined. I was a little embarrassed, but I did not feel that bad. No shame, no gain. 

Days had passed by. I spent the daytime by myself touring around. In the night-time, I spent some time with the couple I stayed with to catch up on things. So far I had been to most places where I would like to visit in my mind, including the two apartment buildings where I used to live, the Vietnamese noodle restaurant, and even the supermarkets. A park not too far from my second apartment, however, was still on the list. 

The park was huge, about ten-minute drive from my apartment. I went there from time to time when I felt stuck in studying. I usually walked around or sat on one of the benches. I felt peaceful there. I always went there by myself and I never talked with anyone as I did not recall that there were many people around. The park was beautiful in any season. In the summer, it’s like every park with lots of green, and in the winter, there was a special kind of atmosphere that made me always linger.

Two more days I would be leaving this city. I decided to pay a visit to the park to complete my wish list. Immediately I drove in the park, I saw a bunch of cars in the parking lot. I had never seen so many cars there. But wait, they are cruising. Those men are cruising! Why had I not noticed in the past? Was the nature of the park changed over time? Or simply my gaydar had been well developed?

My libido surged. It had been a few days that I lived as a monk since I left San Francisco. Some men sat in their cars, but I decided to walk around. I came here to reflect my old days, the years passing by, and perhaps what I had become. Those days of studying were not easy, but when looking back, there were memorable moments. Back then, I talked with friends about my plans for the years to come. A marriage was in that plan.  A friend once told me that a guy in our class was gay. I did not have any feeling or emotion about that piece of information. I did not feel disgusted, excited, or even curious. Thinking back, he was a good-looking guy though. I still remembered his name — George. The friend who told me about this was interested in me, but I always pretended that I did not know her intention, treating her like a good friend. Was she testing my sexuality? Eventually she did not pursue further. This strategy had been working fine for the past few years. 

I walked toward the bench next to the pond. That used to be my favourite spot. In a winter afternoon when I sat there, the vanishing sunlight reflected on the partially frozen lake. It’s so quiet, so peaceful, and that gave me a sense of hope in a cold winter day. That image imprinted in my mind for years. I pictured myself sitting here years back with that one and only down jacket. I had my first photo in the snow wearing it too. 

Thoughts went back to my first thanksgiving in the States. I went to North Carolina to join the family of a business friend of my father for the holiday. I still remembered when the plane left the gate, the welcoming announcement said something like “Welcome to the flight XXX, heading for Jacksonville, Florida.” I was panic. That would be a joke if I took a wrong flight. I asked the flight attendant if I was on the right flight. She assured me that the flight would stop in Charlotte first. Those young and inexperienced days. 

My father’s business friend picked me up at the airport and took me to his home, a nice big house which I had not seen before in Taiwan. He and his wife were very nice and warm. A few hours later, he asked if I would like to join him to go to pick up his youngest son. On the way to the airport, he said,

“My youngest son now studies music in Boston, long hair, earring. Every time when he comes back, I feel it’s our daughter coming home.” 

I listened to his words without saying a word, simply showing him that I was listening. I didn’t know what to say. After making his complaints, he sort of laughed lightly. He was probably preparing me for seeing his son.

His son did appear exactly the way he described. The amazing thing was no matter how the parents did not like how their son had become. Once he stepped into the home, only hugs and warm words welcomed him. They didn’t say a word about his hair or his earring. I couldn’t imagine what would have happened if it had been in Taiwan. That was 1980’s.

I had learned a lot in the school during those two years. Other than the knowledge I gained, I found the professors’ manners, their characters were far more intriguing to learn. It’s something I did not experience before. Also in those two years, it was the first time I started driving without a mentor next to me. It was the first time I lived alone, having to be responsible for cooking, laundry, and all errands in life. 

There were more people walking in the park now than when I first arrived. I could tell that most of them were cruising. I decided to take a look what’s going on. I did not walk far and found out where most people were. The park spread out from the riverside, trees and bushes everywhere which provided an ideal set-up for secretive activities. I saw two men kissing. I continued my exploration. Some greeted me with smile and I smiled back too, a polite kind. We all knew which smiles were inviting, which were simply courteous. As usual, the ones I liked didn’t like me, and some liked me but I didn’t feel the same way. Finally I met someone. We made some small talk and soon started kissing and touching. Although we appealed to each other by sight, we didn’t feel the same way physically. We were just like two clouds bumping into each other in the sky, smiling at each other, having some conversations, then moving on to pursue our own dreams after realizing there would be no future to stay together. 

I kept on walking around, a few more clouds gone with the wind. I chatted with a few guys. One told me that this park had become more cruising in the past few years than when I was there six years ago.

Suddenly, a magic moment arrived. My eyes were caught by a guy possibly at my age or just a few years older, slightly taller than me, meaty with that kind of next door good husband quality. I could tell that he liked me too. The most surprising thing was that he was working on a project of the school from which I graduated. It was an odd feeling. It’s not like “I am going to have sex with a professor” but still quite strange. 

“Where do you stay?” He asked.

“I stay in a friend’s place. Too far and it’s impossible.”

“I live quite far too.” 

For a brief moment, that seemed to be the end of a fairytale.

“How about my office? Take my car. I will take you back here.” He was very resourceful and I felt it was adventurous although somewhat taboo — the school?! His smile as well as his sexual appeal did not allow me to think further but followed his suggestion.

Here I am back to the school again. I was here just a few days ago but I felt quite different. It was for memory and reflection, while this time for an adventure. 

He guided me through a big office, then to a room piled up with desks, chairs, and other stuff. It seemed an office used for storage.

“There will be no one here. It’s Friday afternoon. Everyone else has gone home.” 

“Besides, this is an area no one else would come,” he continued.

He cleaned the stuff off a big desk. I could see people walking on the other side of the U-shaped building through the windows. Before long, we joined ourselves with kisses and hugging. My “little brother” soon awakened from a few days of rest. His was eager too. We held each other caressing the back, the butt, the head, and wherever we could reach while kissing and undressing ourselves. We only unbuttoned our shirts and lower our pants in the beginning as though we were afraid someone might come in unexpectedly, but eventually everything was removed. I leaned backward on the desk and he started rubbing his manhood on my ab. His balls were firm. I gently played with them and he moaned, his eyes closed. The scrotum wrinkles were so nice to touch and they hardened when I touched. He was moderately hairy, and I was turned on enormously by touching his body. 

He leaned over to kiss me, then my neck, my nipples, and down to my manhood. He sniffed at my glans, licking it, then swallowed my pride. His mouth was warm. The sensation was so delightful. I moaned. I am having sex in an office of my school.

After working on my manhood for a minute or two, he licked my balls tenderly and then parted my legs with a smile. His manhood hit my perineum. I grabbed his butt and begged for more. Then I felt my rosebud was pressed by his manhood. I couldn’t resist that joy but sighed. I felt in love right there. He occasionally leaned over to kiss me. So tender, so unforgettable. We exchanged no words, simply the admiration for and the eagerness to please each other.

“Do you have condom with you?” He asked.

“No. I did not expect anything like this.” 

“We do whatever we can.” He smiled at me, with a caring tone.

He raised my legs and kissed my perineum and rosebud. I would have screamed if I had not been in that school office. His hand started rubbing my manhood. Things happened exactly the way I would like. I didn’t have to tell him what I liked. He simply knew by observing my physical reaction to what he did. I was so lost. He noticed my breathing becoming intense, and he stood up and bent down to give me head. 

“I am coming.” I hinted him to remove his mouth if he did not want me to come in his mouth.

“Um-hum.” He continued moving up and down, but more forcefully. I held his head. He put a finger on my rosebud to pull that final trigger. 

“Ahhh!” I held back my scream while he kept on digging more and more, seemingly trying to dry up my reservoir. 

After I regained my peaceful stage, he moved himself to kiss me. That was the most memorable moment about my life at the school. 

As we kissed, I rubbed his butt and felt his hardness. We exchanged the position, and I started giving him head. I liked how hard it was, and it was mouthful and relatively long. In the meantime, my hand was playing with his balls. That gave me a hint how he felt. Then I managed to hold his penis with my legs. Apparently he liked how tight my legs were. He turned me over and moved in and out my legs, hitting my perineum. I held my legs tightly. I wanted to please him. I wanted to give him as much joy as I could.

“It’s so good!” He spoke breathlessly. 

“It’s very tight.” He continued mumbling.

Many people have told me that!

My hands on his butt, moved along with his butt back and forth. 

His movements became faster and faster and his breathing became more intense. I squeezed my legs harder as he started moaning. His manhood turned to an iron bar, just like a man eager to ignite the fire in the wood in the dark cold wild.

“Ahhhhh!” (He was louder.) His facial expression was so adorable. It was very satisfying that I could give him such joy. I gave him a kiss and he kissed back passionately. 

A moment later, he broke the silence, “Are you coming back some time in the future?” 

“I don’t know. This is the first time six years after I graduated. I am not sure how soon I might come back.”

I knew he was trying to keep in touch. I would like too. But we both didn’t speak it out. 

He drove me back to the park. We had a long kiss before I stepped out of his car. We didn’t exchange the contact information as we knew it’s unlikely we would meet again. However, this encounter and this faculty member put a memorable ending to my lingering thoughts toward my school life in the States.

P.S.  Two days later after the encounter, I left for another city. To this date, I haven’t been back to visit the school again.